Friday, June 22, 2012

contemplation

Happy Friday everyone.
Happy beginning of the weekend.
This sight, though not captured super well, was what I saw out my kitchen window as the sun was setting one night.
It took my breath away.

This bright, golden, streaking cross.
Calling out to me.  Reminding me that He is here.
He is always here.  Jesus sees me in the every day, in the struggles, in my doubts.

I've been deep in thought on so many things.  It often feels like too much to explain and so I've been kind of quiet here.

I've been contemplating where I am and where I'm heading.
I haven't mentioned this yet..but in just about two weeks I'll be turning 40.
And it suddenly has made me very introspective about a lot.
Perhaps soon I'll unfold it all here.
I can be so very introspective and sentimental.  I thought I felt strong about this birthday.
But suddenly I was hit by this wave of sadness over how fast the last decade has gone and how I guess it sort of felt like it would always be here.  And then I wonder will this next decade be just as fast.  A friend of mine about to turn 50 said it goes even faster.  Why, oh why does the time speed up as we age?

I wonder if homeschooling will slow me down or cause the pace to feel more pressured.  I'm praying it's the former.  But sometimes I fear it's the latter.  I have lots of unknowns of how it will all go, how I'll handle it all, balance it all.  Oh that unreachable 'balance it all' place.  Perhaps it's more about the letting go of balancing anything.

I do feel the Lord guiding my steps and so I'm faithfully trying to not over think.  I'm practicing just being where I am today.

I've also been feeling an increase in fatigue and joint pain that can come with the heat for lupus patients.  Sometimes I like to be in denial that I have it anymore.  Especially when I feel good for awhile.  But it seems all the go-go-go of our schedule at the end of the school year must have also taken a toll.  So I'm falling asleep early a lot at night..which means not a lot of posts and not a lot of creating.

But my mind and soul are itching to put pen to paper.  In my head I've drawn and painted and dreamed up much. But in my mind they remain for now.

I turn the energy I have over to making this a fun summer for my kids, with lots of swimming and entertaining friends.  Tonight we surprised them and took them to see Brave.

This next week they have vacation bible school and I'll have a rare three hours each day where they're all in the same place at the same time and the house will be quiet.

I'm praying for renewed energy and I pray this finds you all well too!

2 comments:

Kim said...

Good to hear from you....
Hope you get some rest... and count everyday as a blessing. The Lord has been showing me to live intentional in every area of my life.

Jodi Elliott said...

I'm praying for you Jackie. Remember you are not doing this alone. I hope to help, love and encourage you along the way. I am so excited about the fall. Rest up. Enjoy the days of summer. Beautiful job on the coope and garden

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